Climb them hills boys!

Ah my friends, you find me this e'en with a light refreshing summer beer to hand, that bizarrely tastes of alcoholic earl grey tea (don't ask!), pink proboscis and arms, a war wound on my left leg, and an aching body from the spoils of war that was the latest training ride, but a smile on my face though I can't quite remember why!

To begin let us start with Shortlegs and the latest of his troubles, (Captain C really has his work cut out competing against the trials and tribulations that are making up the Shortlegs story). For pure emotional effect it appears that Shortlegs decided we needed to test the proposal from Tim2 as kit man, of a spare bike by getting his bike nicked from Sainsburys on Friday!

So as a true kit man does, once more pedals were rearranged, and saddle heights shortened, there was talk of 19inches but I fail to remember the relevance and the two of them blazed a trail for the usual slightly delayed 10am start. Traffic was light this am and I shot to church in a little less than 25 mins from home and Captain C made it for 1 minute past.

Our group gathered in the sunshine, made up of the two Tims, Mr Motivator, Captain C , Shortlegs and myself, perspired gently in a most attractive manner as we climbed towards 5 lane ends (some of us were overdressed (Tim2) but rectified this without scaring the horses) and we regrouped at the top in the usual manner.

We passed Shortlegs chain removal spot at a good pace and without incident, excepting the fact that kit man had decided to decorate a wall with cycling shades and as such added to his personal ride by returning for said item.

The Sun climbed as we flew through Victoria having ridden for at least half a mile in full formation with standards fluttering in the wind (or lack of it) and the sound of the pipes in our ears (or was it just my squeaky brakes). The lack of horses by this time was making Mr Motivator jittery and he dived through Flight hill as if the hounds of hell were after him, before we tested that theory as we once more blasted our way through Hades.

As the sun drove the perspiration down our jowls, we shot towards Yateholme, were Mr Motivator decided to play a little game for the kiddies on the ride and laid a somewhat unusual Easter egg hunt of lock, tyre lever, cables etc (either that or he was trying his best to ensure Shortlegs stuck to the route this time) my how we laughed at this wonderful distraction.

We climbed as is our want past Digley and up towards Greenfield Road, Shortlegs steadily climbing as the rest of us raced on. Gathering at the top and having partaken of hobnobs and haribos, we posed for self timed group photos and laughed as the amateur David baileys jumped over bikes to ensure they were in the picture.

Further hilarity followed as we dived through the mud on the bridleway to Meltham and as we exited at the bottom onto the road Captain C missed a bright red fiestas bonnet by a good inch and a half at great speed.

The travellers rest was reached as the clock struck one, and we took up residence in the beer garden and as usual enjoyed "a great plate of food", (though to be fair it was more than last time
and boy did I pay for it later). Age ranges, the attractiveness of certain calves (whose a lucky boy Captain C) and the onset of baldness ,along with an initial table re sited from the side of Mount Everest all gave us pause for thought as we quenched our thirsts and filled our gullets.
Departing an hour later we continued, the pace for a number of us had now dropped but we gathered at the top of the next climb in defence of Mr Motivator as a fine looking horse passed by to which we gave close attention (but thankfully not the well known killer sloth of a horse from last time).

We shot through Crosland Moor and climbed through Honley Wood, and gathered at the filling station to stock up on sports drinks, mars bars and Shortlegs to spend an age refilling his water bottle.

To help him recover I paced him up the hill to Castle hill only for him to slipstream me with 100 yards to go and encourage the others to think our roles had been reversed.

To gain revenge for this the troops gathered around Shortlegs and forcibly made him turn right and stay with the route as we headed towards Farnley Line. My pace was fast leaving me and I was paying for the early speed so I gently climbed to meet the others at the top.


We now hit virgin territory as we turned left at the traffic lights on penistone road and climbed
another killer hill towards Highburton, the climb sorted the men from the boys and having been scattered to the wind as usual we watched Lance blowing those smoke rings to keep us on track (as a point to note it appears he has a light summer version of the smoking jacket for just such occasions and hopefully the flowers he picked up at the service station have made it home to Lesley, though they may be a little perspired upon given he tucked them under his arm for the final fifteen miles!)

Yet more climbs awaited as we drove onwards through Flocton and back to Emley and to ensure we covered all the local landmarks we climbed once more past Emley Moor mast. As we flew towards the 3 acres and Shelley, we admired the Archers bursting balloons from 50 yds (And no its not the earl grey Mr Motivator can vouch for me here!) and as the troops gathered and a misty tear passed my eyes as i contemplated my bailout I tried to join them, with only one thought on my mind, being that we hadn't had a fall all day!

Bruised and with the ringing laughter bouncing through my ears I left them to make my way home via Ponker lane covering a fine 45 miles, in 5hrs 24 mins and 53 seconds of cycling.

The troops continued and Tim 2 had final mileage of 46.59miles, 5hrs.50min ride time, 5633.23ft ascended, 5633.95ft descended, 1334.15ft max elevation, 283.11ft min elevation, 18.18mph max speed , average speed 7.98mph, min speed 2.87mph, calf size- nowhere even near Tim 1's!!!!!!

A cracking ride if devised by an idiot who likes hills or can't read a map, with good company, fantastic weather and lots of perspiration. Same again tomorrow????

Racing